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Samantha's Journal
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
[ << Previous 25 ]
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2006.04.28 22.55
Redirect: lj_toluene
Hmm....it's the 28th. I did a lot of thinking....and I decided to..............
switch back to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) toluene
So, everyone....new-old journal: toluene.
Everyone's friended....if you don't want to read, just don't add me back. Simple, no?
Ok, that's it.
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2006.04.25 04.42
Hmm.
I am just posting again out of sheer randomness coupled with the fact that it is nearing 05 in the morning. I will still get my eight hours of sleep though. I mean, holy crap, it would suck if I didn't.
Anyhow, I think the main reason I am posting is to announce to the world my thoughts on migrating back over to toluene. Fuck, I miss that journal, and my writing was so awesome then. Well, no it wasn't. Frankly it sucked like always, but I miss being recognized as my favorite carcinogen, and posting in lj_toluene was like settling into a chair with your favorite book and the knowledge that no human being on this earth will bother you ever again, if you don't want them to. So in other words, a great comforting feeling.
It seems like I change a journal every time this year. I mean, I will have had this journal for a year coming...uh, soon. And I think when I switched over to lj_toluene, it was around this time of year also. Must be spring, the season of new life or whatever, except I create new journals.
All right, that's it, sleep.
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2006.04.24 21.28
First, to let go of life
I actually went to CS today, where the 40 or so of us who actually showed up were lectured on the most mundane topics....again. "Why are you all here? I already said sound wouldn't be covered on the exam. Oh, I know - that must mean you're genuinely interested!" my professor shouted with glee. Andy and I looked at each other - what the hell were we doing here? We grabbed our book bags, prepared to leave, and....
three seconds later, sat back down, dropped everything and slouched back in our seats, prepared to be bored for the next 50 minutes.
"What are you doing?" I whisper-shouted at him, even though I knew perfectly well what he was doing, because I was doing it too.
"It's rude...."
"Yes....I know...."
And so we drew on the backs of a stack of physics 02 exams.
I don't have any qualms about skipping class altogether, or showing up to recitation to turn in an assignment and leave, but for some reason, I can't compel myself to leave in the middle of a lecture. I'll do other rude shit like listen to my iPod or pass silly drawings back and forth or splay myself like a corpse over the desk and take a nap, but leaving in the middle of lecture just seems like the Ultimate Act of Rudeness. I can't count the number of times I've almost left my calculus II lecture only to just stay and nod off periodically, because somewhere inside of me, I sincerely believe that if I leave early, I will be killed before making it back to my room. Must be some of that good old Catholic guilt that never seemed to leave me, even when my faith did.
And, well, my life is back in order now; there is, in the end, the letting go.
Mood:  thoughtful
Music: She Will be Loved - Maroon 05
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2006.04.23 03.32
Stairs that go sideways
Yesterday, I talked to my mother for ten minutes on the phone, and I talked to my dad for 45 minutes. I can't help that I get along with him better, that we have more to talk about. We talk a lot about nutrition. Since he has revamped his lifestyle within the last year, he's lost ~50 pounds (~22.5 kilograms) and gained a vast collection of nutritional knowledge. It is fortunate that I am equally as interested in nutrition, and thus springs the fountain of our conversations....I don't have to feign interest when he tells me about the latest article regarding different types of artificial sweeteners or the effects of different chemicals on the body, and I think he is genuinely pleased when I argue points with him. He asked me how much water I drink per day, and, without hesitation, I responded, "I drink about eight to ten tall glasses of water, and three to six cups of green tea." This probably evens out to something like 02 - 02.50 L. I do not have my 500mL water bottle anymore, so it is difficult to measure how much I drink. And of course, if I am in a bad mood, I will drink much more.
In any case, he was pleased.
Friday was the end to a hectic week. My mind is a mush from stress. There are events in my life testing my already-low tolerance for drama, and I feel I am starting to go a bit insane. I ate a large cracker yesterday, and I slept a good deal. On Wednesday, I will have to stand in front of the class and give an oral presentation in Chinese. I've been watching more television in Chinese, but they speak so quickly that I can only catch a few phrases or words every now and then. So....I watched a Chinese cartoon about an hour ago. Common sense says that a children's program will not be so difficult to understand. However, my love for the language was outweighed by the sheer stupidity of the cartoon, and I turned it off.
Dammit.
I like speaking in Chinese, but it is really very funny (in a sad way), and I often wind up laughing at myself when trying to speak faster or say a particularly difficult combination of sounds. I can actually hear the Chinese accent now, when listening to Chinese people speak....Chinese....(on Chinese television or what have you) and it's very interesting.
According to my roommate, today is supposed to be nice.
We'll see.
Music: 忘掉天光天黑 - 张信哲
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2006.04.20 18.16
The Bewildering Game
Google Calendar. I could have used that last week when attempting to plan out this week. As it is....this week's plans weren't so well-planned out, because I didn't have them staring me in the face and guilt-tripping me into studying.
Life really sucks right now. I had one of the singularly worst days of my life yesterday, and it feels like a part of me kind of died. I was left humbled and puzzled from my lab final today, and I had to lie to a friend.
Although, I got every class I wanted to for fall semester.
....I've achieved a small personal goal.
....and I have another notebook.
That's good, right?
Right?
Music: 张栋梁 - 將錯就錯
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2006.04.19 01.55
I would, except I can't
Today is my sister's 21st birthday. She celebrated with friends and family last weekend. I called her.
We talked for an hour.
Now that she's older, now that I'm older, we don't hate each other.
It was sudden. It was in high school. She used me as an arm rest during marching band practice. The section was intrigued, and I was whored around as an arm rest to the rest of the trumpets during practice.
Soon after that, we started talking.
Isn't it strange what brings people together sometimes?
I sent her two stuffed microbes: one of the black death, the other of syphylis. However that's spelled.
I feel like writing, but I would be writing terribly mundane and monotonous things. I attempt to study. I study eventually. I ingest green tea with the fervor of a dehydrated man who has just found the oasis in the middle of the desert. I eat dinner with friends every night. I sing in Chinese frequently. Sometimes, I push a skinny boy on the swing behind our building and help him look for four-leaf clovers.
Music: Bright Eyes - Something Vague
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2006.04.15 02.10
And some don't, don't ask why
Housing assignments finally came out for fall 2006, and we are still on the same side of campus....which is a good thing. twitchy_cape, melangerealite, and I are all rooming together, and then some other random girl.
I called Dell support a few days ago, and I guess I had a bad experience with them, because they didn't really do anything except scream "Software error!" at me with their Indian accents. Even their hardware technician said that, although I have a fuzzy suspicion that she was really just stumped about my problem, because twice she said, "OK Samantha, I am now going to look through my stack of papers to see if I can find the answer to your problem," and she proceeded to file through said stack of "helpful" papers for a good ten minutes.
....
No dice.
In either case, my CD drive decided to start acting the docile, well-mannered CD drive and promptly began functioning normally again after I got off the phone with them, and so now I have all of the programs necessary to do schoolwork installed again. Oh joy. However, it doesn't seem to read burned CD's....of course. So I think I'm going to have to go to the library and upload the data temporarily via yousendit and download it from my laptop. Especially since I have some very important lists on those CDs. Like my Nice Quotes Indeed list. I could have used it when making my snazzy new set of away messages. Instead, I had to make do with new material.
I found a Korean singer to listen to. This is Big News, in case you are unaware, because I am constantly disappointed with the quality of Korean pop, and have sworn all of it off except for two groups, and now this guy I just happened across, Sung Si Kyung.
Hell (studying) starts later today....five exams, a lab report, a lab practicum....that doesn't sound so bad, does it? I'm going to buy another notebook, also. They make me so happy; none of you could understand how happy notebooks make me, but that's OK.
I might have a job this summer, which is a little scary. However, it depends on a lot of things, and so I won't go into anymore detail.
Speaking of jobs, my father applied for a job in Texas.
Mood:  sleepy
Music: Shampoo Boy - Jo Davidson
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2006.04.11 21.16
Stress
I. I have five exams next week. (And a lab report.)
II. My computer....!
III. I can't find my contacts.... I found them!
IV. Need to find a new way to wake up since I keep reaching over, turning my alarm off, and going right back to sleep.
V. Being in like is so depressing....especially when you don't want to be.
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2006.04.10 00.18
Too angry to think of a good title........
Well, my computer is fucked. My CD drive goes nuts when I put a CD in there. It can read audio CDs, but when I try to import the files, they are copied very, very slowly. As for installing programs....it just freezes entirely. Son of a bitch. I got some help from whitec2005 to try and fix it (...or recognize the problem at least) and run a few tests, but to no avail. So I'm going to have to call Dell support...plead hardware failure...send it in...be without my computer for a while at some point. Do all of my lab reports and stuff in the library. So like seven hours on Tuesday I will spend in the library, because this lab report isn't looking very fun.
Can't wait.
So that's a nice annoyance to add to my list. I've been feeling very moody and anti-social lately because of a number of things, and so there are only a few people I genuinely enjoy talking to right now. So, I apologize in advance if I snap at anyone...or ignore anyone...or anything else. I'm just in a personal snit.
I tried Coke Blak yesterday, and it's pretty good. I wish they would spell "Blak" normally though...stupid. The amount of caffeine I've ingested in the past few days is abominable, and I'm going to start running again this week, because it is good stress relief.
In the meantime, work.
Or something.
Mood:  annoyed
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2006.04.09 14.41
It's never over
I re-installed Windows XP last night. It was exciting, and now my computer is back to full working order. I have installed most of the important programs, and so now I am retrieving back-up files
and stuff.
Let's see. Today I am going to do my lab report and study for math.
Or not.
Maybe I will read or something, because this is my last guiltless, no-work weekend. After this, I will be busy studying (in theory) until I'm finished with finals.
P.S. I am not a nice person. I just like you (a lot). But you're welcome just the same.
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2006.04.08 03.44
(Please rain today)
Some things are clearly easier the second time around.
I'm slipping again, and I'm only making half-hearted efforts to pick myself up. I guess because I don't really want to, and I never wanted to enough in the first place.
I did well on my physics exam again. I got really pissed off while studying for this one, because I couldn't get any problems correct at first. I have loweeel and whitec2005 to thank for telling me to stop trying to learn from the book.
Honestly...
Who would've known...?
I am going to re-install Windows on my laptop later today. I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I never finished backing up all of my music...so now that I'm pretty much finished with that, I'm going to go ahead and do it, because I've been deleting my music after I burn it so that I can keep track of what I have and haven't backed up...and I miss some of it. Like Jeff Chang, whose voice is so high that I can almost sing comfortably with him.
I wore my Slytherin shirt yesterday, and about six people called me evil. Andy K. draws cute centipedes with hats. Some of my friends spend a little too much time on their computers. And I need to buy an umbrella.
Oh, yesterday, I also went to listen to a lecture given by 2001 Nobel laureate, Wolfgang K-something, and even though I didn't understand too much, it was still kind of neat in a way. I mean, I've never been to a real scientific lecture where some random guy presents his findings and the room is jam-packed with the nerdiest people you can imagine. Maybe the next one I go to, I will actually understand more than 08%.
Let's see...grocery list:
baby carrots
marinara sauce
Thank you for your time. This random entry is now coming to a
halt.
Mood: sleepy
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2006.04.07 13.20
Nothing Interesting
Recent horoscope:
At last! Your ruling planet, Saturn, is no longer moving backwards, which means that you should start feeling much more content and balanced. If silly things have been going wrong for the past five months you can expect them to go right from now on. The shift in Venus will help even more, making you feel more confident and more sociable!
Well shit, now I can rest easy.
I've been sleep-deprived since...well, ever since spring holidays ended. I've been getting 04-06 hours of sleep per night. I just don't like sleep. Unfortunately, I think it is starting to take its toll, because I've been randomly passing out in my room at odd hours. So, I'll have to spend the weekend, my last study-free weekend, sleeping, recuperating. I was randomly talking to one of my inorganic lab TA's yesterday after I'd finished my lab. He told me to stop working and go to sleep.
....oy.
To make a long story short, what I planned to register for and what I actually ended up registering for this summer are not the same. As it is, I'm stuck taking physics II over the summer.
As it is, I'll also be attending my first 0800 class (microeconomics).
As it is, I don't know if I'll enjoy my summer.
But I'm not going to think about that now. Because I have to focus on finals first. And doing my dishes.
And sleeping.
Mood: sleepy
Music: 李圣杰 - 你们要快乐
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2006.04.05 02.23
Fight until you can't
Well, here I am, wired on caffeine again. No new story. My body and mind seem to have regained the ability to sustain themselves perfectly normally on less than eight hours of sleep. About time. My mind is a horror story right now though, a wreck of rambling thoughts tumbling and colliding and mingling and grating at my conscious mind, my rational being.
There is too much going on.
I have been planning my schedule for summer and fall. Summer is a mess, because every class overlaps with about five or six others, and so I've had to do some extensive tweaking to get everything just right. I can't wait to register though. I am very anxious. Be still, my beating heart - Wednesday morning Wednesday morning. Wake up at precisely 0802, get applesauce and tea, check the email, and then it will be time to feverishly punch in those course numbers. I get a real kick out of planning my schedules. I don't know why. Everything looks so certain. I am in the midst of planning out the rest of my life at Tech. It's very ironic that I will have my future planned out, but I still have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my degree. I mean - it's chemical engineering - I am not exactly limited in options. But still, I have no bumbling idea. I will do internships, or something. Hopefully then I can gain some insight into what I do and don't like.
In the meantime, my summer will be 13 hours. Nine of them will be bullshit. But bullshit that is nonetheless required of Georgia Tech if I intend to graduate.
My fall semester will be 18 hours. I think they will all be around this number until I graduate, or until I run out of Chinese classes to take. They are all four hours each, which bulk up my schedule nicely.
I have also been rather stressed lately for several reasons. I haven't been running, which generally relieves the stress. And so I bite my nails. They have grown, the lovely things, a symbol of my control, but now that stress weighs down on my mind, it is time for them to disappear yet again, until they appear torn and jagged. I'm not sure what sort of comfort I derive from this. If it is the act of destroying my body in yet another, albeit less destructive, fashion, or the mindless action that serves to distract me from the stress.
I have a Chinese exam later today.
I'm going to miss not having Chinese over the summer. The writing, the quizzes, speaking with a bad, faux Chinese accent. I can hear my accent now, and it's very funny. I like reading out loud, because I amuse myself.
In addition to everything, I have been experiencing a resurgence of old childhood habits. They are not a threat to my life though, and so I am not very concerned. I'm more amused by this than anything. Instead of finding new ways to cope with stress or boredom, I just do what I've always done.
Same old, same old.
Nothing new here.
Go away.
Mood:  crazy
Music: Dear U - 張敬軒
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2006.03.28 23.49
Why'd you even bother trying, then?
If I can make it through physics lab, I can sail through the rest of the week.
Thankfully, it was mercifully short tonight. A nice way to ease back into the weekly torture after spring holidays.
This semester, I think my favorite days are Thursdays, because I love my classes and have free time. I have my inorganic lab from 1200-1500. Then calculus II from 1500-1630. Usually, there is a bit of time between lab and math, so I can sit on a bench and read or write.
Actually, I don't think I enjoy calc lecture so much as I enjoy the comforting feeling I get from sitting there taking notes. Math isn't my favorite subject, but there's always been some odd, inexplicable comfort I derive from it.
I still haven't really eased back into "Georgia Tech" mode completely. I'm forcing myself to do work again, of course, but my mind isn't really in it. I'm just jotting shit down, punching numbers into my calculator. My mind is stuck in the world of books. I'm reading two really great books right now. I'd forgotten how much I missed reading until I went home, and now I can't seem to detach myself from it. Books have always been the one thing I can rely on as a source of comfort in my life.
There is only a month of class left.
Where did the year go?
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2006.03.27 00.58
More or Less the Truth
I. Left to my own devices, and without imminent deadlines and responsibilities, it's pretty amazing how quickly I find ways to fuck myself over. My sleep schedule will suffer tremendously as I try to arrange it back into something that could be labelled as "reasonable" and "stable" this week. And, it's back to eating three or four meals a day instead of one.
II. It's morning, seven thirty. I quietly step outside of my room, into the kitchen, set water to boil in preparation for a tall, steaming cup of green tea. Back to my room to retrieve the Book of the Moment and back to the kitchen. Two steps out of my room and I'm assaulted by my mother, who takes one look at me and arrests me in a hug. In an almost gut reaction, my arms fling themselves out in front of me, and it takes a moment for my mind to make them bend and return the hug. It's what she wants.
"I'm going to miss you," she says.
Silence. I know what I'm supposed to say, but I don't say it. I settle for, "Oh, I'll be back in one and a half months," and break myself away. I think about my freedom, my wonderfully structured life, my friends, my periodic table tacked on the wall.
One and a half months is nothing.
"All I do around here is read and rot anyhow," I joke.
And she gives me a look, one I've gotten before, that one that says you just don't understand, do you? in a silent fit of hopeless frustration. It screams ignoramus at me. For a moment, I almost feel sorry for her, sorry that I can understand the feeling - that even though I don't do anything, my mere presence puts a part of her at ease - but I don't process it emotionally or psychologically.
I shrug and walk past her to the kitchen, to collect my tea. Must be one of those maternal things.
III.
Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.
</center
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2006.03.21 19.30
I bet you didn't think I'd remember, but I did, and now you hate me.
I. Finns, I'm convinced, enjoy rich, hearty meals to combat the harsh climate they live in. For dinner (at 1612), I helped my mother cook perunat ja jauhelihakastike, which is a meaty, potato-y dish I've grown up with but have never had cooked the Finnish way until today. It was about a thousand times better than anything I ever imagined.
II. I found pictures of my sister and I and my entire family from way back when. I looked through all of them. Fingerprints on some, from then and now, and the colors are fading on others. I took four of them and stuffed them in my box.
III. Inside you, there's an artist you don't know about. He's not interested in how things look different in moonlight.
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2006.03.19 19.20
Unlike Before
Last night, I stayed up until 0500 working on a drawing. I slept for seven hours, and when I woke up, I drew for two more hours.
Finished. It took me six hours to finish that drawing. Males are so difficult to draw, but I learned something about drawing them as I sat there, erasing my mistakes over and over again.
Also, the hot water heater has been fixed in my house, so I can properly scald myself now.
Music: 七里香 - 周杰伦
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2006.03.18 23.00
There is a door you have closed forever
I went running today. There is pollen everywhere, and I only ran around my neighborhood twice, because breathing started to become difficult. Sad. It was so sad. I ran probably 1.5 miles though. I got a headache afterward, and it lasted for eight hours, stupid thing.
I went to Wal*Mart with my father and sister tonight. It was exciting. I really hate Wal*Mart, but for some reason, at the same time, I enjoy going there. I guess it's difficult to hate a place with all your heart when the materialistic side of you drools at the cheap prices. Anyhow, this is what I bought:
.White eyeliner (do you have any idea how freaking difficult it is to find white eyeliner?!)
.Brown eyeliner
.Cute underwear
.Baking soda
.Face cream
.Razors
For some reason, I always forget to bring razors when I come home. And you'd think in a house with two other women, there would be razors in abundance. No. I found two, and they obviously belong to those two other women. So I bought this cheap pack of five. They're light purple.
In an act of complete and utter desperation, I used up some of my laptop's precious battery life last night to make a CD of Chinese music, some of my curren obsessions. I'm listening to it right now on my mother's Bose stereo...it sounds so, so wonderful.
I forgot about some of the great away messages I had saved for AIM on my Mac profile.
Your very presence makes my life a misery, so I strongly suggest you leave before I turn you into a blackened pile of ash.
Mirrors are so pointless. Like I really want to see that axe-wielding maniac behind me.
Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait. I assure you I have more important things to do than listen to your useless blather.
"Dead?" says Alf. "He is no more dead than you are!"
"Maybe so," says Joe. "They took the liberty of burying him this morning anyhow."
I'll have to make sure I remember to add these as messages on my laptop.
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2006.03.17 18.31
Idiocy
I forgot to bring home the power cable for my laptop. Because I am an idiot. So I won't be online that much. On the upside though, I get to become reacquainted with our Mac.
Hmmm.
Well, and home doesn't feel like home anymore.
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2006.03.15 00.31
The Ides of March Post
According to my friends, I look much better in real life than I do in photos. That's good, because I look pretty ugly in photos unless they are at strange angles. My beauty must be witnessed in living color. Swanky.
I have three tests within the next two days. I'll probably do well in Chinese and linear algebra, because I seem to excel at reading and writing Chinese, and linear algebra seems to have clicked for me as well, finally. I don't think I'll do well in CS, because I'm having the hardest time making myself study. I sort of don't care, because according to everyone, the exam grades don't really count for much of your grade - the final counts. I know a guy who had a 30-something test average and ended up with a C in the class. I really wish I could make myself care, but - no. Spring holidays are so close, and I want to go home. I made a list last night of all of the things I want or need to do over the holidays, and I want to tackle my list since it contains pleasant things such as "Cook for family", "Read (at last)", "Draw", "Play trumpet", etc.
I hope I can keep running over spring break. I might just go in the evenings if I don't wake up early enough. I ran two miles straight on Monday, which is the first time I've ever done that, and I was thrilled. It's really not a lot. Oh well. It makes me happy. So if I can keep running, it would be nice. I wouldn't regress any, and my ankles wouldn't have to go through the painful process of readjusting themselves to running again once I got back to GT.
I have to see my stupid advisor in the morning at 1000 or so. The CHBE advisors don't keep very convenient office hours, and so I'll end up skipping inorganic chemistry to visit that stupid bitch. This will make it the second time I've missed inorganic chemistry, and I hate missing that class. Argh.
I'll also be going to a review session for linear algebra at 1800. I don't know why the professor scheduled it then, but it sucks, because I always eat dinner at approximately 1800, and I'll be damned if I won't eat at 1800 today either, so I'll just cook rice and bring it in a bowl with my fancy spoon that I stole from the dining hall and eat while the man lectures.
Compromise.
Oh gah, I'm starving. I have been craving cookies. On Saturday, for instance, I was dying for cookies. And I don't need cookies, because I tend to eat them by the box rather than by the recommended serving size, so I had refrained from buying them from the store. Anyway, I just lost my train of thoughts. I have to go back to studying anyhow.
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2006.03.10 01.42
In this world or that world.
So, I have determined that my face is crooked. Or, my glasses are crooked. I think the sad fact may be that my face really is a bit tilty. My last pair of glasses, I had bent them perfectly, so they didn't look crooked when they sat on my face. I haven't quite gotten this pair to bend at just the right angle yet. I only really fiddle with them when I get really bothered by the asymmetry, which isn't often, obviously, since I'm not often face-to-face with myself.
Qi Li Xiang is the only song I am listening to right now. I'm so obsessed with it. I looked up all of the characters that I don't know and pieced everything together in my head just so I could make sense of the lyrics, because the English translation is only so-so.
Today was really great. I loved the weather, I titrated Coke, I ran, math was actually interesting, and I talked to people. It's amazing how even people I've just met can still make my day.
Mood: thoughtful, and a bit sleepy
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2006.03.08 02.06
The Other Composition Book
Like melangerealite, I've been writing more in my real diary. Except it's not a diary. That's such a stupid word. It reminds me of diarrhea for some reason, and so I say journal or notebook. Anyhow, in this case, it's a notebook. A marble composition book, which would ordinarily suck. I mean, as an experienced journaler, I've tried writing in composition books before, and I can say with absolute certainty that it just doesn't work. Everything about composition books sucks. But the Engineer's Bookstore carries a special breed of these notebooks that makes me feel very comfortable with writing in them. They have square edges, the paper is college-ruled, and the texture of the paper is a little more rough, which I prefer. I happened to notice this special breed of notebook one day when I was cleaning my side of the room. I threw something at the trash can and it missed - a common occurrence. Said piece of trash landed on - my god - a notebook. That very kind of notebook. twitchy_cape had purchased a nice-looking notebook for some class. I looked closer - a composition notebook? And such a nice composition notebook! Where the hell was Wal*Mart storing these? Or Target? Or any one of those damn office stores I practically turned upsidedown looking for a nice notebook?
I asked her where she got it and proceeded to work myself into a state of silent glee. A nice notebook, a notebook which seemed to exist in only a precious few locations in the world, and one would soon be mine to write in and ruthlessly stuff into a drawer when I am finished with it.
I waited a few days, and then bought one. When I saw the huge stack of those notebooks, I wanted to grab at least ten, but then sensibility kicked me in the ass. Stupid girl, WAH! You haven't written in a paper journal for years, and now you want to buy enough to last you ten?!
I love everything about it, truly. It is even a bit bendy, and so when I am writing or thinking and very anxious, I can grip the edge and bend it a little as I try to think of how to word my thoughts instead of biting my nails. Which is a harder resolution to accomplish than I thought, because I get so guilty and stressed very easily.
Finding a good journal or notebook to write in has become increasingly difficult since C.R. Gibson stopped making the really good journals about ten days after I filled up my beloved (and only) C.R. Gibson journal.
Of course, because I am a very rambly person and tend to think an awful lot, there is no need to fear for a lack of posting in this journal as well.
Anyhow, even though I have changed and become quite a different person in college, I am still retaining some old behaviors. Such as playing songs on repeat. On Sunday when I was torturing myself with physics, I had my playlist entitled "Sad Songs" playing, and friends came into my room to study as well. Of course, when it started to repeat the songs, I was happy as could be, but they all groaned and said, "AH, change it to something else." I don't understand that kind of behavior. I get so obsessed with songs, and I want to memorize every part of them, I can't help it. Anyhow, since then, I've been particularly captured by five of those 12 songs, and I can't decide which I like the most.
Sad.
Speaking of physics, my hard work has finally paid off. I've become very titchy about revealing my grades for some reason, even if I do very well, but since I accidentally let it slip while running, I'll go ahead and announce that I got a 100 on that damn test.
Ooh!
我想回家。。。
Mood:  amused
Music: 七里香 - 周杰倫
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2006.03.04 00.20
Don't Look Too Hard
Saturday.
I will study physics and only physics because I have a physics exam on Monday and then I can stop studying physics and relax some.
I was going to study physics tonight, but I got sidetracked into a four-hour conversation with a friend.
The bad thing is that I didn't get any physics done tonight, but the good thing is that I can once again reiterate how I really like my friends here.
I feel very sad right now, for someone.
And I'm also listening to Chinese songs that make me feel sad.
I need to study physics.
Mood: thoughtful
Music: sad Chinese songs
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2006.03.02 00.40
Almost Dead
Hmmm...so I got a 66 or something on my inorganic exam, which bothered me. I read over the ones I missed and got even more annoyed...
I mean, it's nice and relieving to realize that I can actually do the chemistry and that I'm really not a fucktard, but it's equally disturbing to realize that I just can't read sometimes.
Story of my day:
Paul S: you went to more than two classes today
Me: hahaha
Me: how did you know?
Paul S: i was on the skiles breeze way waiting for my class to start and you walked onto it and went into the building
Me: oh
Me: i walked out less than three minutes later
I felt pretty terrible today. I think it's allergies, but I've been taking my medicine lately. I've felt some kind of thing coming on for a couple of days now, and this morning when I woke up, I immediately regretted it. I still feel nasty, but in the interest of watching another Korean movie, I will stay up late with green tea. I only fully attended two classes. I ate a box of Wheat Thins for dinner and collapsed for two hours. I still feel dead, my head still hurts.
I went on a swing today. There is a swing hanging from a tree behind the building, and Tom dragged me out somehow. I sat on the cold concrete and moped and involuntarily ingested pollen, and then I climbed into the swing and Tom pushed me. It was very fun.
I'm eating horribly lately, so I should stop. I mean, a box of Wheat Thins for dinner is just sad. I should just stop buying them. And pop tarts, because I get obsessed with them. I already made my grocery list for the weekend:
.Many more of bags of mini carrots (organic)
.Some kind of preferably cheap fruit (apples?)
.Applesauce
.Special K cereal bars
.Chicken maybe
.Dried fruit maybe
(No poptarts or Wheat Thins!)
I mean, I would buy poptarts or something as substantial, but they are too heavy for a breakfast. Poptarts are like a big chunk of my caloric intake for the day - a whole fucking third sometimes, but they taste so good.
I could skip lunch, but I like going to lunch with Chris, Melody and Tom.
I need to buy fruit this time too. I haven't bought fruit for a very long time, because I've been relying on the dining hall's steady supply of tasty oranges to feed my fruit craving, but they haven't put any out for a while, and I don't want to steal their other fruit because it sucks. So, back to buying fruit again.
Spring Break is approaching. That's not too exciting. It'll be a nice chance for me to watch Chinese and Korean movies and sleep and run. My running is very sporadic lately. It should become more regular. Yes.
My mother was talking to me today about summer classes. She said I wouldn't have much time to spend at home. That's of course the point for about thirty reasons, but I didn't say that. I could only imagine my summer if I went home. It would be me sitting in bed, eating all the time while watching Korean and Chinese movies. And while I embrace such behavior for Spring Break, it just wouldn't do for an entire summer. It would totally destroy the novelty of watching Korean and Chinese movies. I watch Chinese and Korean movies to wind down, to take a break from studying and fixate my eyes on pretty and handsome faces instead of ugly, glaring numbers. They are a rare and welcome reprieve from the mechanical process of studying and working.
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